It’s been almost a month since I have posted in this beautiful outlet I call my blog, and that my friends is a real shame…But then again, maybe it isn’t. Bear with me and I’ll try and let you in on why.
So the past month… a lot has happened, ups and downs, and just general life busyness. It hasn’t been anything spectacular like running a marathon or acing all my classes–but it has been that everyday, mundane, fall into a rut sort of busyness.
This past month brought an amazing trip home for Thanksgiving which was just the relaxation and peace I needed in my life followed by this intense two week school finish immediately following.
Like I said, ups and downs. Lots of great quality time with people I love but lots of stress and craziness and lack of time too.
As spring semester nears and this fall semester ends, I get more and more anxious for the job search to come and less and less okay with the fact that I don’t know where I’m going to be come a year from now. But I’m also ready for the next stage in my life. I can’t decide what I want.
In cleaning out my drawers getting ready to leave for winter break I came across a poem I wrote this summer one slow day at the resort, looking out over the ocean. Reading it gave me this beautiful flashback but it also seems more relevant now than it was then.
The air appears foggy as the small droplets hang suspended halfway between the sea and the sky.
A haze has taken over. My eyes must refocus. Do I look towards the sky, or the sea? Where do I fix this gaze?
Above, below? The world, the celestial? I fix my eyes to the sky.
Because I know it is there where I will begin to fly.
In the sky I can place my hope.
The haze looks less hazy from up here. The ground begins to appear clear.
This poem sums up these past four weeks, and honestly a lot of this semester.
Time to be real honest: this semester I let busyness take away from my Jesus time. I spent most of this semester feeling lost, lonely, worried, and far from my Savior. The haze fell over not only my eyes, but my whole life. Things didn’t look as bright or cheery and it was hard to see more than a step ahead.
It was that trip home over Thanksgiving where I was reminded of the simple joys in life and the love that my God has for me represented so tangibly in my mother loving their children despite the pain we cause them. My father finding joy in the small time I was able to spend with him.
It was over those three days where my bible, that had remained tucked away, close, but not often opened, was reintroduced into my life. It was those three days where I disconnected from others and my worries and was reminded what truly is important.
Yes, I was blessed with this Ivy League education. Yes, God provided this awesome internship. And yes, God gave me this love and desire to run. But when the haze of all those blessings overtake where my gaze should really lie, it is there I find worry, loneliness, and become terribly lost.
Remembering to fix my eyes above on the person who loves me more than I can ever imagine and the one to whom I owe everything is the most important thing.
So yes, I have not written in over a month but honestly it would have added to my haze. I made this blog two and a half years ago as a way to sort through the haze. By golly, it has done a lot of that. But recently it felt as though it would have added to it.
Now would be the appropriate time to say I’ll try to be better and write more, but that may be a lie. I’m not sure if I will. If I do, I thank you for reading and supporting me.
But if I don’t, don’t be sad. Know that God is just using different means and mechanisms to sort through my haze. Pray and listen to God. He will show you the best way to sort through yours.
Goodluck with finals, the end of the year, and the holiday season. I pray that you are able to enter 2016 with the overwhelming peace of Christ that comes through looking up, to the place we can truly fly.