This week was one where everything hit at once: the knowledge that senior year is beginning, the realization I should start job hunting, desire for the hard part of the summer to be over, feelings of loneliness, reversion back into some unhealthy thoughts, feelings like my blog is a failure etc.
It’s been a week where I haven’t felt motivated but felt compelled towards the future. As my friends all gallivant around the world, NYC, and other hubs of business and internships I can’t help but feel as though I’ve fallen short. I don’t have the corporate internship, or even one that will look too impressive. I don’t have the means or time to gallivant to South America for a few weeks. I don’t really have too much to add to my resume and this is scaring me for next year.
However, heart knowledge (feelings) and head knowledge (fact) and two very different things. All this things are feelings and the fact of the matter is, in a year I will have a Wharton Business School degree, I will have spent 6 months in Australia, interned with a wedding planner two years, had a marketing internship, become a published writer, learned more than I ever thought possible about myself, run a marathon and determined what I didn’t want to do in life.
These things may not be the internship on Wall Street, or world travels every summer but it will be enough. I realize when I begin to feel like a failure it is due to the fact I am measuring myself against what other people are doing. When what I really should be doing is measuring myself against what Christ wants from me and what my dreams desire.
I am wonderful, and even though as I type those words I don’t feel it, God made me beautiful and perfect and loves me. He also has great plans for me, I just have to be patient and wait for them to be revealed to me.