So in the spirit of Valentine’s day weekend we are talking all about love! If you missed what my loves are, check it out from yesterday! Today I’m going to let you in on my past romantic relationships… I have had this post written for a while and thought Valentine’s Day, what better day to share a bit of my story and what I have learned about myself!
Relationships. Have you ever heard of a more complicated word?! Cause I sure haven’t!!!
Relationships are really hard. For the interest of this post I am not talking about your generic relationship like family and friends, I’m talking about boys.
I have had three serious relationships in my life, and for the interest of privacy I will name them after three leading men in my favorite TV Series, Gilmore Girls. Boyfriend one will be named Dean, Boyfriend two Jess, and Boyfriend three, Logan. This will be a bit of my story and most importantly the lessons I learned about myself while going through them.
Okay so Dean and I were high school sweethearts and I fell in love quickly.
We met in tenth grade in our math class but my best friend liked him. Girl code kicked in: MELANIE YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LIKE HIM. So I didn’t, we just discussed how cute he was and I encouraged her to ask Dean out; she did not. I mean we were 14 year old, tenth grade girls, we didn’t know how to act around boys! Much less hot ones like Dean! On the last day of 10th grade Dean gave me his number… I proceeded to lose it and being the un-cool younger girl that I was I was too embarrassed to ask him for it on Facebook.
So a while goes by, my best friend moves, and then out of the blue I get this Facebook message from Dean asking about me! After much flirting Dean asked me to prom!!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPP!!! First thing I did, call my best friend and ask her if girl code still is implied since she has moved. (She moved away and I miss her madly, like my heart is sad without her here with me still!!) She said go for it! So Dean and I are now prom dates. After a first hang-out at my house to get to know each other better, turns out he was going to ask me to prom the year before but some other guy had gotten to it first.
Thus began a two and a half year relationship full of ups and downs, long distance, and lots of emotions. Dean made me the happiest girl and at times the saddest girl. I let myself be controlled by Dean because I was in love with him. He was my perfect man, except when he got sad or moody or pulled away.
With Dean I would always be that Bedford girl, the girl from my hometown who would later probably move to another small town and focus on family first and foremost. After being together for less than five months Dean moved 4 hours away for university. We did the long distance thing, was on the verge of breaking up in October of his freshman year, but we pulled through. We grew closer, more in love, and more reliant on each other. If you could be addicted to a person, I think I may have been addicted to Dean.
Dean came home over his freshman year summer and we vacationed together and spent as much time possible together. Then it was my turn to leave for university, 8 hours away. Not knowing how to keep him happy while being away I let myself be emotionally controlled by Dean because I didn’t want to lose him. Summer came around and we even worked together. We were the perfect couple, good looking, young, happy, in love.
In my head however, I was starting to realize the moodiness and emotional abuse was really taxing on me, I wasn’t completely happy, and maybe I was truly addicted to Dean. God was not part of our relationship.
After two and a half years of my life revolving around this guy, I broke it off.
I learned much about myself, my tendencies with men, long distance relationships, head over heels love and how important it was to have God in a relationship if it was to be pure and a true love.
Then there was Jess. Jess and I were best friends, all throughout my first year of university; I grew closer and closer to Jess. He was a man after God’s own heart. We met through our Christian group, and as I told him freshman year when I was starting to realize something was wrong with Dean and I, “I had a crush on his heart for God.”
He was funny, caring, Godly, and smart. Jess will be the perfect husband.
I loved how I felt comfortable and safe with Jess. He was everything Dean wasn’t: Always happy, independent, dedicated, my best friend.
He wanted to give me time to heal from Dean so he waited a few months before we dated.
Jess respected me. We decided we weren’t to kiss unless we were engaged and really focused on guarding our hearts because that is what the Lord calls us to.
I saw myself with him for the long run. Jess will be such a marvelous husband. I always pictured him as a husband and a father. He led me in faith and with care. He gave me my space and independence and never pushed me.
He got me to start staying up late and involved me in all of his house events, always welcoming me.
My biggest fear was if we did break up, I would not only lose my boyfriend, I would lose my best friend.
After dating for four months I realized I had been focusing so much on guarding my heart and body for purity and focusing on a lot of other issues I was dealing with that I wasn’t giving Jess what he deserved. I wasn’t focusing on him as a boyfriend, instead as a husband, which was not fair. We were sophomores for goodness sakes!
I wasn’t willing to open myself up enough and let him in. And thus, my biggest fear was realized; Jess was no longer my boyfriend and he no longer seemed to want to be my friend. It was hard on him and our friendship has not been the same since.
I learned much about myself, my difficulty giving any of my heart after my hurt from Dean, how much I demand from boyfriends, a lot about purity, and how wonderful it is to be with your best friend and a man after God’s own heart.
Fast forward four months. A new guy Logan starts flirting with me. He is cute, sweet, and a Christian. After being brought to my senses by my roommate when I began flirting back, I realized I had to tell him he couldn’t like me; I was going abroad for a semester.
This conversation led to us beginning to see if we could have a relationship. This quickly led to us having a relationship that involved trips to SC and him coming to see me before I left for Australia.
I told Logan about all my history and past and struggles, everything that had ever been a struggle for me. He was such a good listener and there for me. It was nice being romanced and feeling cared for. In the height of romance I found myself thinking of feelings of love and forever. I realized I was not guarding my heart.
Logan was so sweet he came all the way to Australia to see me. It was then that I realized we both had different plans for our lives and that I no longer felt the romantic love that I had felt before. Logan will be an amazing romantic husband but I realized I have a lot of growth to do before I am ready for this romance. After 6 months I broke it off.
I learned so much about myself, my tendencies to be vulnerable with the wrong people, how much I do enjoy independence, that I am not ready to care for another the way God desires from me, and I need to love when I’m ready, not when I’m lonely.
I often find myself daydreaming about Dean, Jess, and Logan. Three guys who will make some woman very happy someday. Three men who helped me discover so much about myself. Three men I know I hurt. Three men I hope one day will forgive me.
Now, relationships. That balance between independence, dependence, caring, commitment, romance, reality, conversation, silence, beauty, and ugliness, all doused with a whole lot of Jesus.
No wonder they are so hard!
I wonder how much more I have to learn before I find out who God has for me. Or maybe I realize who I need to be to be who God wants me to be for him.