I am entering my third decade of life. Wow that thought just hit me. Hard.
I am entering the decade where most people find their careers, their loves, start having children, buy their own house, and enter adulthood.
Wow. What happened to my last decade where my milestones were getting my period, leaving elementary school, learning to play the flute, doing my first pageant, entering the grown up world of high school, going on my first band trip by myself, giving my first speech, getting my first job, becoming part of a real team, becoming president of clubs, going on my first date, getting my driver’s license, having my first kiss, getting into college, graduating high school, moving away from home and getting through Statistics?
I feel like the difference between 10 and 20 is monumental! It is so crazy to think back to 10 year old Melanie. I knew nothing it seems, I had experienced nothing. Wow. 10 years. 10 years is huge!
However, looking back on 10 year old Melanie, I see so many similarities. I am still unsure of who I am and still uncomfortable in my own skin. I still have those moments of unadulterated joy when the sun shines. Yet, I still have those moments of dread when I have upset or disappointed someone. I still look to my mom for reassurance. I still seek friends in everything I do. I still think of myself and fantasize of “who I will be.”
However, these days those fantasies seem further away than they did at 10. As I enter this new decade, I feel as though I should know what the future may bring but with every passing hour I seem more and more unsure. I feel as though 10 year old Melanie knew more of what she wanted than 20 year old Melanie.
I feel as though, I may have been happier when the future was so far off, when the whole world was unknown and unexplored. When I was naive to the world. When I only had the dreams and the biggest decision I had to make was whether or not I wanted to go to my brother’s soccer game that weekend and what name we were to give our puppy.
Now, as Charlie, (it was a difficult decision to name her Charlie not Zoey (and yep, Zoey was after Zoey 101…)) the no longer puppy, romps about in her 8 year old body, I look and see a dog. I no longer see the puppy but that she is grown. Now, that is not to say she doesn’t have random spurts of energy that make her seem more puppy-like, however, these days during that spurt of energy I see a dog trying to act like a puppy.
I wonder and wonder, if strangers see the same from me? They look at me and see a woman, they may sometimes see the girl in me, but only in short spurts. But I wonder if they look hard enough can see the girl? When they look into my eyes can they see the fear, the wondering, the amazement, the 10 year old Melanie?
Sometimes I see that in myself. Other times I see the 20 year old Melanie.
I wonder tomorrow, who I will be and what will I know?
Will I worry about whether or not Cam thinks I’m cute as I flirt in 7th grade Civil Studies? Will I wonder if 8th grade English teacher Mrs. Bond found my essay good? Will I find out where my classes are in high school? Will I know how to pack for college?
Or will I instead wonder about what my future will be? Who God will place in my life to be my life partner? What my children will be like? Where I will live?
All I can say is, it’s crazy.